its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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