I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
