How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
The Olympian is in my bed
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Randomize
