Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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