i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
