it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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