they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize