Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
