Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
