i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
