GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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