Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
