When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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