She is in my trunk
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
