i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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