Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
