I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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