my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
My pussy is not your playground.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
