My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
