I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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