i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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