for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
