He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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