I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
