I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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