Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
