omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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