the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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