Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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