Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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