Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
