I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
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