i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I currently don't understand fingers.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
