that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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