she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
so much tequila, so little girl.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
