Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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