I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I want a musical about memes.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
