I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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