i love accidental penises.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
