Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
