i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
