You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
