Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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