Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
