i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
