hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
