census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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