True but thats because hes a fetus.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
