just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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