I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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