Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
