I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
