she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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