we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
