mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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