I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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